Progression

Background: Wrote it 02/22/2008. It's kind of self-explanatory. I really like it except for the end. Maybe one day I'll edit it. Funny thing is, it's still not over. The progression. Maybe I'll keep updating it, but six months of 19 and 20 weren't notable enough to fit into this poem ha

Six months of sixteen, and it was all falling apart

Forced to trudge through bleak halls with something heavy on my heart

Cliche like the day I had my first vodka shot

But it couldn't get worse from there, or so I thought

I stood there helplessly as friends were snatched away

Screamed and cried, but the temptation stayed

The world don't stop for no one as it corrupts young souls

Vivid visions I'll have to live with till I grow old

Like her subtle decay from great to skank

There purely one minutes before the pressure took her away

Now she's hit rock bottom, and I don't think life's fair

Crying because it's irreversible. Crying because I still cared.

Six months of seventeen - it's better, but worse

The main problem's out of my life, but I think I've been cursed

Friendships ended, the implications set in

As I lie to myself, deny that I want it to be "back then"

Turn a corner, and it's a confrontation with my past

Innocence and naivete that I swore would last

But now the world around me was hell, and I was about to slip in it

Vague tugging in my heart, pleading with me not to do it

Big dreams crashed in the rubble with my youth

Then the defilement of love - that word is so screwed

At least in regards to marriages ripped apart

By a desperate little whore with a blackened heart

Six months of eighteen - all I can do is smile

I think I'll embrace this peace for awhile

Like for the rest of my life - why stop it now?

Thanks to constant searching by my Lord, my soul's finally re-found

External circumstances still burn, but it's a singe I ignore

Set a match to all that was before

Ashes of the past come together to burn brightly in my life

Was a mess back then, but now it's all right

That two year drought of angsty adolescence

It's raining hard now - the stressing never happened

It all happens for a reason - some call it fate

I call it God bestowing me with strength

I'd live through the pain again

If I knew I'd come out like this in the end

South of Nowhere

Background: Written, like, November 2005. Has nothing to do with the show except for that's no doubt where I got the title from. Um, it's just about when life's good.

I’m south of nowhere

I’m already on top

I don’t have to go up any higher

And I need nothing more than I’ve already got

I’m in the midst of somewhere

Where this kind of life never ends

There’ll be no definite ending

And I don’t even know how it all began

I’m in the flow with anyone

That’s ready to get down

Who can handle what I’ve got

And is willing to stick around

And nothing can get better than this

Life's like God's sweetest kiss

Gone around the block and know that I'm blessed

Finally gotten out of all of that mess

And this is how it's gonna stay

And I like my life that way

I'm south of nowhere, baby

I'm south of nowhere, baby

I’m so full of everything

And sometimes I release it all

It’s not healthy to keep it bottled up

‘Cause you’ll be heavier when you fall

I’m south of nowhere

And fine where I’m at

I’ve got everything I need

And nothing can beat that

Self Esteem

Background: Started this probably September 2005 but may have added more later. About a good friend I used to have with relatively low self-esteem

Self Esteem

That’s what she needs

Because she looks in the mirror

And just wants to scream

She picks apart herself

Finding nonexistent flaws

And sinking deeper into her self hatred

Until at last she falls

Damn that mirror

It only shows a fragment of the truth

No stupid piece of glass

Depicts what’s inside of you

She’s a beautiful person

And a mirror isn’t needed to see it

If there was just only some way

I could make her believe it

She quietly sings

a sorrowful song

Pointing out everything

She thinks that is wrong (that she thinks is wrong?)

She has it hammered

And drilled boldly into her head

That she is imperfect

So at night she cries in her bed

She’s a truly blessed person

On the inside and on the out

And I can’t stand that she’s oblvious

Lost in her world of personal doubt

If only I could alter her self-interpretation

And convince her that she needs no altercations (is in need of no)

She’s perfect the way she is

And I wish she could see it

If there was just some way

I could make her believe it

She is too good, too wonderful

To be thinking like that

And it kills me every time

Low confidence can be the downfall

To such an amazing being

All because she (only) concentrates

On the things she thinks she sees

She has it all

I look at her and see it

If there was just some way

I could make her believe it

Your Busy Road

Background: I'd say this was written late April 2006. It's about making up with somebody, even though it seems like a bad idea and everyone is saying you shouldn't. I guess it's supposed to be a song.

If I screw myself over then you'll screw yourself, too

It's what all the other people without love seem to do


And you'll do it without any shame


'Cause to feel good, you've got no other way

And you think you can get away

With taking all of your pain


And then dumping it on me


And I’ll take it willingly

Without a single complaint

And showcase my sacrifice for none to see

Well, it's true - you've been acquitted


And I give up - I've quitted

I'll just lay in the middle of your busy road

Just do what you want

And I'll do it, too

I'll ignore everything I've ever been told

They say I make no sense


That all my sanity's already been spent


But there's really no need for any clarity


When all that has to be understood is this:


None of your shots have missed

one plus one's two, then two plus two's four

and there's nothing more that I'd adore

than to not have to go through this anymore

step back a bit and settle the score

but oh my! that's certainly a lie

I won't even attempt to deny

I like this pain and I don't know why

it's what you do to me and you don't even try

it's not so bad, but it's not so right

i wonder about it each and every night

if I should get into you or listen to them

either way I go, I'm not gonna win

'cause one way leads to cravings

and the other to misbehavings

it's either safe but screwed

or screwed but happy

They say I make no sense

That all my sanity's already been spent

But there's really no need for any clarity


When all that has to be understood is this:


None of your shots have missed

Well, I've come to a consensus

Yeah I said it and meant it

I know what I have to do

Listen up, and I'll go and tell you

Well, your permission's granted 'cause I know where my heart lies

And it's completely true 'cause the heart never lies

I'll just take what might hit and go with the flow

Yes, I'll lay in the middle of your busy road

Hot Christmas (Your Kiss)

Background: Started this in December of 2006, finished it the following December - I think it's great. It's meant to be completely humorous and it's a "holiday" song.


Disclaimer: This song is meant in the context of marriage

Baby, baby, it might be snowing outside
But it's gettin' hot in here - why don't we take a spicy sleigh ride?
Baby, baby, the seasons' all about giving
So give it to me, baby - let's make this life worth living

The smell of holly's gettin' me a little more than just jolly
Gingerbread must be an aphrodisiac
And when it comes to unwrapping presents, I don't want to unwrap a dolly
It's you I wanna unwrap once you're packed (sorry, that is such a horrible line lol)
So what do you say? Let's get the grove in Christmas bacccck.

Chorus
I just want to have your kiss
Fulfill my sultry holiday wish
So bring out the mistletoe this Christmas
Throw out all inhibitions and just do this
Let's snog!
In the mood from sippin' eggnog
Just make out!
Gettin' hotter than Rudolph's snout
I just want your kiss. Just gimme your kiss.


Baby, baby, you're shining just like a sprightly elf
Uh huh.
So baby, take your lovin' off the shelf
Oh yeah.
Turn off those colored lights and put on some slow music
I'll jingle your bells, and you'll deck my halls - let's do it (hahahahahaha)

Now I ain't talkin' about sex - I just want a little tongue OR hey baby, we're married so this sure ain't wrong
The feeling I get with you, it's just like sleigh bells have rung
So move a little closer - I'll be your substitution for the fire
Let's just give into our yuletide desires
You're the only thing I want this year
So let's go all night like one of Santa's reindeer

Repeat chorus.

What You Gonna Do

Background: My best friend's little sister made up the chorus to this song. I imagined it as the perfect teeny-bopper pop song, so I attempted to write the rest of it. There's two versions, apparently...

Version 1

Well, I don’t really care

But I live and all you do is stare

Am I really that hot? (you know, girl)

Or do you think I grow pot? (Mary Jane!)

Look at me - still not caring

I’ll do what I like - yeah, I’m daring

But all you throwing at me is haterade and criticism

I’m about to go Jewish and give your face a circumcism

‘Cause, man, I never did nothing to you

Yeah, I wil’ out, but I keep it strictly with my crew

Just minding my own business

Listen up, ‘cause I don’t want you to miss this

Okay, yeah, I might step out a line

But it’s all worth it, man, ‘cause I’m having one gonch of a time

You try so hard to really get me down

But I’m not trying at all and look at me now

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna do it

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna think it

I’m out, y’all - can’t keep my mouth shut

And you can’t keep yours shut

muttering on about stupid stuff

Like how already sick of me

Well, I’m sick of you giving me grief

Just save it for the funeral, please

Think I can’t see past your so-called subtleties?

Every single thing you do is a personal attack against me

Hey - not my fault that my life’s going smoother than yours

I keep it chaste and you’re living it up as a whore (yeah, I went there!)

I’ve managed to fly though you wanna drag me down

If I’m the grade A beef then you’re just a dairy cow

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna do it

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna do it.

Repeat.

Slow it down dramatically and mystically.

You keep on shooting shots but they won’t hit at all

You protest - but I still proudly yell out my call

Your hating gets old, Why don’t you drop it, doll?

You can keep on trying but I’m gonna keep on standing tall

Version 2

Well, I don’t really care

But I live and all you do is stare

Am I really that hot? (you know, girl)

Or do you think I grow pot? (Mary Jane!)

Look at me - still not caring

I’ll do what I like - yeah, I’m daring

Just minding my own business

Listen up, ‘cause I don’t want you to miss this

Okay, yeah, I might step out a line

But it’s all worth it, man, ‘cause I’m having one gonch of a time

You try so hard to really get me down

But I’m not trying at all and look at me now

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna do it

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna think it

I can’t keep my mouth shut

And you can’t keep yours shut

muttering on about stupid stuff

Well, just shut the gonch up

Say you’re already sick of me

Well, I’m sick of you trying to have beef

Think I can’t see past your so-called subtleties?

Every single thing you do is a personal attack against me

I’m gonna ahead and shut this door

‘Cause I can’t deal with you no more

Just hatin’ ‘cause I do my life flyer than yours

You livin’ like some ol’ bore

I’ve managed to fly though you wanna drag me down

If I’m the grade A beef then you’re just a stupid ol’ dairy cow

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna do it

What you gonna do about me now?

What you gonna think about me now?

I’m gonna do it.

Repeat.

Slow it down dramatically and mystically.

You keep on shooting shots but they won’t hit at all

You protest - but I still proudly yell out my call

Your hating gets old, Why don’t you drop it, doll?

You can get short all you want but I’m gonna keep on standing tall

Untitled from 09/2009

Background: Crushing on/liking/being in love with your best friend's boyfriend is obnoxious...I would imagine...ha...so here's a little somethin' somethin' about that conflict. Not quite finished, but close

We want the same thing

Guess our kind of minds do think alike

But it’s you who gets the prize

Because he was never mine

Can’t say I’ll love him better

So instead I get to love him, bitter

Two years running - you’re still the winner

Better one of us than none of us?

My pathetic attempt at self-consolation

But no - take the boy, I’ll take the tears

And I’ll take my peace, you take the fears

Fears of the heart broken again

We both know how he is

We know how nicely it begins

And how horribly it always ends

And maybe I’ll forever be stuck as the friend

Untitled and Undated Song

Background Unknown and Unnecessary. Obviously meant to have comedic elements. So unfinished, it's not even funny.

Well, I paid a guy to date me in the 7th grade

Don’t remember his name

But he sure was a fine specimen

Broke my heart when he gave me my money back

Skewed View of Marriage Part 1

Background: My best friend needed help with a poetry class assignment. This was the first result of that. Originally it had to be about marriage with no emotion or mention of "love", so this is what I gave her.

What good is a promise you cannot keep
What point in trying when history wants to repeat?
When it struck two generations, figured it a coincidence
But when it hit my mother, couldn't help but wonder if I was next

Thought, "There's a man who can sweep me off my feet."
Till five years later when he's knocked me to my knees
Throwing around words like "unhappy", "unsatisfied" - "suffocated"
Then he's walking out the door, and I can't take it
Shake myself out of this glimpse of a potential future
Don't want to take the chance that I'll end up like her
Rather miss out altogether, stay alone, just as I am
Because marriage has become a lie;
Yeah, congratulations - you've turned it into a sham

Skewed View of Marriage Part 2

Background: My best friend needed help with a poetry class assignment about marriage. The prompt was something to do with a married couples' nightly routine. She added more to it, but here's my part.

Smearing the residue of another’s lips from his crinkled collar,

Slips hurriedly through the front door - late

Grabs his plate of the repetitive dinner, then makes his escape

Wife calls meekly after him - tone even, but eyes on the brink

Wants to hope this time it’ll be different, but her faith’s down the sink

He’s got work to do, he says - he’ll eat in the other room

Leaving wife and kids alone at the table to pick over their food

An Articulation of Emotion

Background - I know who this is about...I think. You, however, don't get that luxury.

An articulation of emotion

Just hear me out

I’ll lose this thought in a second

I need to do this now

I loved you deeply

You turned your back

I clung to nothing

But now I laugh

Because you were never worth it

And those times are so gone

You’ve become a vague feeling

And it’s nothing like love

An articulation of emotion

An audience of you

Hold on to my words

Because I’ll close up soon

You’re a great disappointment

In my mind, you’ve failed

So much potential wasted

A life down hill

You proudly sold your soul

At a pathetic discount

You won’t ever get that back

I’ll never get you back

Untitled and Undated Poem

Background unknown

I was young then

I did things I’d never do again

And I haven’t since

I’ve passed the places I’ve been

Because it won’t matter in the end

So just let me live

So please, get over my sin

Untitled from 05/2009

Background: Inspired by being frustrated with how a confrontation was playing out. Obviously dramatically unfinished

I swear it’s impossible for you to be diplomatic

So if you wanna have at it, then let’s have at it

Bat Dance

Background: Comedic song that I was going to make a video for after The Dark Knight came out, but never did. Song's not even done, but I might as well stick it in here. It'll amuse my fans when I get famous ;) haha Also, there is an actual dance that goes with it - my best friend and I created it to the Batman score when we saw Batman Begins. Also, this might actually be a rap.

Now Bruce Wayne, or should I say, Christian Bale

A real American Psycho hailing all the way from Wales

Dude assaulted his kin and now he’s posting bail

Tell me what you think about those European jails

I got a question - why so serious?

That creepy ol’ Joker was straight up delirious

That was Heath Ledger under there? Nah, I ain’t hearing this

So you wanna see my pencil trick?

This Joker makes Nicholson’s look like a (“Don’t say that word!”)

Chilling performance giving me nightmares

Heath better win an Oscar, I swear

Saw The Dark Knight - midnight screening

Opening credits came on - everybody screaming

An hour in, everybody shaking

So pumped up, I don’t think I can take it

That whole freakin’ movie had me screaming in glee

I loved how at the end - “Hey, don’t spoil me!”

Well then you gotta go see it, like...now

So I can see you looking stunned, muttering “Wow”

Chorus

Throw up your ears

Flap those wings

Now do that crazy arm thing

(It’s the bat dance!)

Untitled from 12/16/10

Background: I THINK it might be about a friendship, but I'm not sure. Just a fragment, waiting to be returned to one day...

It's not that it's outta sight, outta of mind. No, that's not it.

Well, maybe it is, but only with you, I guess

But what happened to our days of absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Guess I'm just getting older; this world's making me colder

The Movie Song

Background: Written sometime in November 2008, I think. Inspired by this boy I was in love with, the fact that I'm a film major, and "If We Were a Movie" by Hannah Montana.

Hey, so let’s make a movie - you and me
Let me tell you how our lives would play out on the silver screen
You’d be Mr. Hot Stuff, and I’d be the girl no one sees
And I’d watch you from afar until fate intervenes

We’d be lab partners, and you’d be getting every question wrong
So I’d helping you out, and you’d be turnin’ me on
Sparks would sure fly, but the drama would go long
Until you surprised everybody by bringing me to prom

Or we could be star-crossed lovers from opposite sides of the track
To just get in a peak, we’d have to go behind everyone's back
And the love would flourish until the secret cracked
It would blow up at first, but then they’d cut us some slack

Chorus
So let me direct you over here - cut the lights up bright
As I write a script for you and me, yeah, you and me
We’ve been in pre-production too long - ‘bout time the camera starts rolling
Watch my fantasies play on screen. But it would just be a movie
I guess you’ll never actually love me

So our next feature could be fast paced action
First we’d be at each other’s throats, then lips at each other’s necks
Once we put aside differences and began watching each other’s backs
End it with a victory over the bad guy and, well, you know what’s next

Or maybe we’ve been BFFs since we were two
And of course I’d love you, but you wouldn’t have a clue
There’d be some other girl, and I wouldn’t know what to do
Spend every single night secretly crying over you

The sexual tension would become almost too much to bare
We’d be caught in the midst of awkward, but telling stares
Until that night when I’d confess just how much I cared
And without a second thought, you’d kiss me hard right there

Repeat Chorus

From opening credits to that final kiss
I’ve got it all typed up in my head in screenplay format
You don’t know how many times I’d watch this
It could be an Oscar winning epic

See, I could be the Winslet to your DiCaprio
Beating box office records and everyone would know
Of our on screen chemistry and the way you loved me
If only real life would turn into my make believe movie

A little bit of info

I dabble in...poetry? Lyrical song writing? I dunno - since I was about 10. Well, since I was 7, but I never wrote those down. They didn't start getting occasionally good-ish until I hit double digits.

ANYWAY. I have nothing from my early childhood or even teen years readily available, but my word processor and other things are filled with fragments (and tears and too many pronouns; stop it, c'mon, you're not making sense now - sorry, Taking Back Sunday moment) and sometimes completed song/poetry things. And to keep them all in one central location, I decided to start yet another blog. Not gonna promote it, but this one will actually be public, so if you see it, then you see it.

And I lied. I do have, like, 2-3 poems from high school.

Anyway, there's probably gonna be a bunch of entries all jumbled together around the same time. But then occasionally I might update with new stuff...as if you non-existent readers care ha